It's possible for adults to communicate how we might feel neglected without being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or placing undue guilt on those we care for emotionally abusive or emotionally absent parents don't communicate clearly, however. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. . The day my mother didn't protect me. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? I think I am learning not to spend as much time on that question though. Copyright free. For more information, please see our Its really about his own psychological damage. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. I dont want you my life or space ever again. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. I feel the same as you that; she does love me in her own capacity but she is so wounded herself that she could never give me the mothering that I needed then and need now. Art Science Poetry Music & Ideas, The girl who aspires to weave her palm creases herself!. Trauma bond. You have never stood up for me. I missed out on 20 years. Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. Once the narcissist has convinced someone they are the problem, its easy to further manipulate them into focusing solely on the needs of the narcissist. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. You've been given a temporary ban. Your email address will not be published. As I was going up the stair . I am not fashionable enough. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father. Its vital for your well-being. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. Our first five years together were great. Sorry, folks, there is a big difference between blaming and assigning responsibility, and between wallowing and understanding how you adapted to your childhood treatment. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. Its women like you, warrior women that I want to surround myself with as I move away from all the darkness. How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. My dad would scream at is sometimes, and my mum would just let it happen. But at least divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the house and away from us. She stuck with him. . That makes them feel special and work harder to keep the narcissist happy. Sometimes, all we can do is ask for what we want. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. Share . Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. No slurs or victim-blaming. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. What Happens If You Don T Sterilize Baby Bottles. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. Significant others and friends are all welcome. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. A letter to My mother, who didnt protect me from abuse I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Composite: Guardian I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. I guess its her choice tho. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_5',119,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_6',119,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0_1'); .box-2-multi-119{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:7px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:7px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the other parent doesnt protect them. leaning toward or towards By On May 9, 2022. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Maybe when youve been through this process then youll feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life, on your terms with your boundaries, if she is still alive. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. Your enabling father might have become a flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he also suffers. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. I closed the door on my mother last March. I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. But I cant change the past. The mum-of-two admits she was "obsessed" - but now loves her body as it is, and says "if I want pizza I'll have some". I'm mad that she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. The core conflict in the daughter whose mother didn't love her remains between her continuing need for the love and support she missed and her need to protect, heal, and reclaim her authentic self. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse The letter you always wanted to write Sat 11 Jun 2016 01.29 EDT Last modified on Tue 20 Sep 2016 05.38 EDT O ur first five years together were great.. I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. If so, how did that go? Was anyone there for her? The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, Verbal Abusers and the Fine Art of the Blame-Shift. Be nice. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? Yesterday it was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the faces of everyone I spoke to. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. Set and enforce strong boundaries if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. 2. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. And I was never allowed to forget it. Its really about his own psychological damage. I'm not trying to blame her, just that in this mess I feel a lot of frustration and hurt that I know shouldn't be directed towards her. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. what happened to polish tv company; most in-demand show in the world. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. Of course, you couldnt have. Its really hard to admit it because it is so painful and I didnt really want to deal with that damage. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. I cried and believed you would rescue me. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. You put everyone and everything else before me. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. Parents can make or break the mental stability of their children. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. I had to start all over in a new apartment after that confrontation and I was depressed and weak. Nope, thats not good enough. The next thing to do is to respect your own needs and prioritize them. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. Its a very real blind spot. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. I really appreciate your offer and understanding words. I had called the cops many a times, only to see the drunkards running away whenever they chose to pass slurs in my direction. I relate to so very much of this! Imagine the shame on the family. Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. NDad was a piece of excrement. I read the post up until the letter and just couldnt read any further. Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. Can you and your mom and sibs get some family counseling? So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. Thank you very much. At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional . Bottom line is I was a child and she was an adult. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. To put you in context, this week for the first time in my life, I established a boundary with my mother. My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more! link to 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, link to 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, link to 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. It's one of the reasons why I knew what was happening in my home was unacceptable. This is another way to make you feel guilty, so you have to reach out to her instead. My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. Thank you my holiday was filled with exquisite beauty and pain for course!! Is that strange?. even when they realize the damage she is doing. Today, you tell me I dont visit enough. I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. I remember that she was angry. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. She should have done better. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. He is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and she is a lively, sweet, loving woman. You have a very compelling way of writing. This is perfectly normal. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. I wanted you to make me feel better. I'll work on it, for sure. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. 6. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. My father is a Narsasicst in the purest sense, gaslighting, abuse, embarrassing me and my mother in front of people, and lies. I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. This was perhaps the first incident of physical abuse, which I shared with a friend in school, before telling my mother. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. I find it unimaginable, as a parent myself, that nothing was done about it. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. 14 votes, 24 comments. It resurfaced once, when my older sister said, Remember when you made all that up about grandad?. But what's really angered me over the last couple years looking back is Mom's role in all of this. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. 1. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. I am shocked at your response. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. Confused about acronyms or terminology? I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. I have stopped looking for it from her. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_7',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); Of course, the opposite is true. You looked after, cared for and gave attention to other kids when I was the one who needed it the most. There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. She doesnt really want you to become an independent adult. I was in the same situation. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. I wish I could take it out of your life. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. A hug would have been a good start. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. (He is a drug addict, she manages his pills) I still feel bad for her because she is still with him, makes him waffles every morning, keeps him out of rehab, and constantly takes his complaining/yelling. Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. Its unlikely that he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting you. My mother failed to protect me from sexual abuse as a child 'When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.' Photograph: Alamy After. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother to abuse her children. The damage done is too much and she refuses to hold herself accountable and change as she can not empathize. When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. Reviewed by Davia Sills. I found it very moving. These are such difficult but necessary things to do. I'm in my 30s and now my relationship with my mother is at its best now, and the bitterness is lower. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. Then, as a teenager, it finally hit me. Why did my mom never stop my dad? He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. Yes, thank you! After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. I am ashamed to be part of this family. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. I definitely do understand that she's a victim as well and I've seen what she's gone through. Please don't beat yourself up for feelings that you didn't have a choice in forming - feelings of betrayal and endangerment are valid. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. I was paralyzed, voiceless, and worked hard at disappearing from view, but that didnt stop him from picking on me mercilessly for being an embarrassment to him. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. That has caused them to buy into your narcissistic mothers delusions, and as a result, they have decided to disregard their own needs and yours to protect her. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. Why Is It So Hard To Live With An Abusive Mother? I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. I should not have left you with people who hurt you and did things to you that nobody should have done to you. Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. I will protect them. Your thoughts?. When Mom Doesn't Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused If you prefer to read; The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted. She also likely did that with you too. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. Thanks again for the insight. My own father died when I was 15, and I too have wrestled with what he thought of my mothers treatment of me and why he did little to defend me. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. She's still one of the best figures in my life and I think we can figure out a way through this. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. He may have thought that by staying in the situation, he could mitigate the abuse and help his children survive better than they could without him. If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. Her way of showing love and/or saying sorry was giving random clothes. I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. A narcissistic parent is just about the worst scenario for a child. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. Does she have a mental imbalance or is she just a bully? Sia Cooper, 33, became a personal trainer after losing 45lb she put on while working as a nurse. I had seen, maybe, ten monsoons of my life by then. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. Cookie Notice You had let me down. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt.
